(a carefully curated personal musings)

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Band

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Begitulah, kira-kira. Saya sudah tak sanggup seperti Romeo (Dean; Saya) yang sudah keburu ambruk duluan sebelum bisa bersambut dengan Juliet (I don’t know who the Guard soloist is; (Uh-Oh!) GPMB). 

Analogi yang menyenangkan.

Saya tidak tahu mana yang ambruk duluan, badan gagal saya atau mental saya yang saban hari ditusuk-tusuk masalah. Barangkali keduanya secara independen, barangkali gangguan terhadap salah satunya melemahkan yang satunya. Barangkali badan yang lemah membuat kognisi saya payah menjadi kognisi. Atau barangkali masalah-masalah yang kerap menyapa saya dengan tawa maniakal yang melemahkan badan saya. Barangkali justru badan saya memang sudah payah dari sananya dan mental saya memiliki terlalu banyak benang kusut untuk diurai dalam waktu singkat.

Barangkali barangkali yang lain.

Barangkali saya terlalu posesif terhadap waktu tidur saya. Barangkali rumah yang ricuh dengan tengkar dan tampar telah merusak dan mengurangi kapasitas mental saya secara dramatis sehingga saya kesulitan untuk mencerna apa pun. Barangkali ruang kelas lebih rewarding bagi saya ketimbang tempat ini. Atau malah (ehm),

barangkali saya sudah terlalu jemu diperintah untuk mendorong dan mendorong dan mendorong batas saya sampai garis terluar dari yang terluar. Barangkali saya sudah terlalu muak disuapi penyemangat (“Semangat!” “Pasti bisa!”) yang malah berkesan seperti menabur garam di atas luka menganga yang kemudian diusap pedih-pedih. Kata mutiara penuh omong kosong membuat saya geram, kalimat penyemangat yang terus-menerus dilontarkan membuat saya getir. Semuanya terasa seperti doa yang dilancarkan seorang agamis kepada tuhannya yang eksistensinya dipertanyakan dan saya dipaksa ikut berdoa juga. Betapa omong kosong. Sia-sia. Tolol. Dungu. Bodoh. Barangkali saya sudah terlalu gerah merasa seperti berada di organisasi militer yang menuntut saya untuk menumpulkan otak saya, tidak usah protes dan berusaha sajalah. Barangkali saya jengkel tempat ini menggunakan jasa bego-begoan seperti NAC, benar-benar aktivitas penuh omong kosong yang membuat saya merasa dibodoh-bodohi.

Barangkali saya sudah terlalu lelah diminta untuk tidak menuruti badan sendiri. Barangkali saya lelah mendapat kernyitan tidak setuju setiap saya mengistirahatkan diri dan justru mendapat aplaus ketika saya ambruk di tengah usaha. Barangkali saya sudah terlalu letih untuk mengorbankan diri lebih jauh dari ini. Barangkali saya terlalu egois, terlalu mudah putus asa, terlalu manja. Barangkali, barangkali, barangkali,

barangkali memang tidak cocok.

Doesn’t make me hate band, though.

Stupid Shoujo Mangas

Right now I’m at my sister’s place where nothing ever happens except “Yeah I’m going to read shoujo mangas all night long (therefore by doing so I’ll wake up at noon)!”. So it’s inevitable I guess if I started to eh, do the same thing. So I jumped over and started reading Hirunaka no Ryuusei.

I’m shamelessly proud to say that I’m on team Mamura.

Look at him being adorable postconfession from the girl which I forget—oh right, Chunchun something.

It was a good read. Although I must say the storyline is so so formulaic I now can take a guess that the girl will just end up with the teacher because blah, that’s how it usually goes anyway. Girl fell for guy 1, things happen, girl gets heartbroken, guy 2 comes up, girl starts seeing guy 2, but somehow still has feelings for guy 1, blabla in the end girl just want to be with guy 1. Mamura is the poor guy 2 in this manga. But the plot of Hirunaka no Ryuusei alone (or Mamura) was not the reason I write this.

Post-Hirunaka, I went, for entertainment purpose, over to Ao Haru Ride. Now this is where it starts to bug me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m also shamelessly proud to say “I sympathize Kou” (the subtlest way to say OMG KOU!!!), but there’s a few things about this manga that meh.

Why is that female characters in most shoujo mangas are portrayed in such way that I see them as, IDK, crybaby weaklings? I care for nothing but guys? This girl in Ao Haru Ride, for example, at first I thought she’s not that typical, the background story for her is quite interesting, but then she develops into this typical-girl-in-shoujo-mangas. The more I read it the more I think most shoujo mangas are revolved around that patriarchy’s throne. It’s like it was practically invented from it; shoujo mangas were actually invented to ensure the patriarchy’s glory in the most subtlest way. Lol what am I saying I feel like preaching.

The devil is in the detail. There were panels that said things about girls sould be this girls should be that. It’s usually just some casual remarks, some was intended to be romantic, and you wouldn’t actually mind them because “lol that is a comic I’m reading, why should I take it seriously.” But I think it’s actually those things that unconsciously shape your viewpoint. I think that it’s because you’ve been reading the same thing that has the same casual remarks about girls (that you didn’t mind but actually makes it to your brain and just stays there) that makes you so dense and oblivious toward, say, feminism issues. Or just shapes your viewpoint that girls should be this and that, or that guys should be this and that.

So hard to have popular shoujo mangas that doesn’t feature main female character that is, eh, yeah whatever. I think that’s why I fell for Shizuku from Tonari no Kaibutsukun in an instant. She’s rad. She has less the features that usually makes me mutter “Stupid shoujo mangas” while reading it. Although the story went downhill somewhere.

And the ultimate reason why I type this, is because that girl in Strobe Edge is damn painfully annoying.

Look at that stupid expression. Gah. She would easily make the “kya-kya girl” type (a term coined by my friend).

Wow new chapter of Ao Haru Ride is out. What a timing. I should check it out.

(End of note: Yes, I’m still going to read those stupid shoujo mangas, ironically. I need entertainment, and they provide quite plenty of it (I love the way my feelings get ripped apart by reading them), although in some sort of stupid, annoying packaging. The good thing is, I’m capable of not being so gullible. I can spot things that I’d normally criticize, but oh well, I can just ignore them once in a while.

For entertainment.

You see, humans are paradoxical beings, in a way.)

Saw this book at some local bookstore the other day. It wasn’t sealed, so after laughing over the amusing title, I found myself chuckled upon some random pages. 

Why people would spend money to buy this “tutorial” rather than just watch some free porn in the net is beyond me. Or why someone would write a book about how-to-sex under the name of religion, now that’s another question. 

I didn’t check the price tag, though. Maybe I’ll just check it out if I (ever) come back to that bookstore. If it’s cheap I think maybe I’ll actually ended up buying it.

For fun.

Although now I’m not so sure after I thought about how am I gonna face the cashier.

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